The holiday season often brings contrasting emotions. While one partner may be ready to deck the halls, the other may feel weighed down by grief, anxiety, or past trauma tied to this time of year. This emotional mismatch can be challenging for couples to navigate, but with mutual understanding and support, it is possible to honor each other’s experiences and move through the season together.
Hold Space for Grief
For many, the holidays magnify feelings of loss or sadness. If your partner is grieving or struggling, one of the most loving things you can do is to simply hold space for them. Reassure them it’s okay to feel sad and that they don’t need to pretend everything is merry and bright. Sometimes, all they need is for you to sit beside them, hold them, and let the tears flow. (And as the Gottmans would point out, turning towards is one of the best ways you can help your partner through their grief.)
It’s also important to acknowledge that this time of year can be physically and emotionally taxing. Winter’s lack of sunlight — particularly here in the Portland, Oregon area — can exacerbate feelings of sadness. A simple, practical tool is a full-spectrum light. Spending 10–20 minutes in front of one each morning — perhaps while eating breakfast — can make a noticeable difference, especially for those with seasonal affective disorder (SAD).
Support Without Fixing
When your partner is struggling, it can be tempting to jump into problem-solving mode. But often, what they need most is your presence and understanding, not solutions. Avoid trying to “fix” their feelings and instead focus on being a steady, reassuring presence.
Be mindful of unhealthy coping mechanisms like overindulging in alcohol or other substances. While they may seem like a way to numb the pain, these depressants often make things worse in the long run. Encourage healthier outlets for processing grief, such as creating a special holiday ritual or memory in honor of a loved one. And while you may need to wear an extra layer or two, getting outdoors for a walk can be another great way to move through grief as you also move your body.
Make Space for Joy
On the flip side, if you’re the one grieving, it’s equally important to hold space for your partner’s joy. They may genuinely love the holidays, and that joy deserves room to breathe, too. It’s okay to have different emotional experiences — what matters is finding ways to support each other.
Consider setting expectations ahead of time. Talk about how you’ll navigate the season as a team, whether that means carving out time for your partner to celebrate while you take space for self-care or finding small ways to participate in their joy without compromising your needs.
Plan for Support
If you know that grief or tension may arise during the holidays, consider seeking outside support, such as couples counseling. Sharing the burden of grief is far more manageable than carrying it alone, and counseling can provide a safe space for meaningful conversations that help you both feel seen and supported.
The holidays may not look perfect, but they don’t have to. By honoring each other’s feelings and showing up with compassion, you can create a season that feels authentic to both of you. Remember, it’s okay to hold joy and sorrow at the same time — they can coexist, just like you and your partner.
If you’d like help navigating this season together, we encourage you to connect with a counselor in your area. And if you’re in the Portland area, please reach out to our team here at Core Values Counseling. We’d love to help.
