As those of you with kids settle into the new school year, I’ve been sharing some gentle parenting-inspired advice to help your family have a smoother, less stressful fall. So far, we’ve talked about attachment and transitions, rituals and emotions, how to help your kids navigate anxiety, and how co-regulation is a game-changer in helping them handle big emotions. Today, I’m wrapping up this little series with a word on how trauma-informed parenting can help manage school-related stress. Here we go!
As parents, we want nothing more than to protect our kids, especially when it comes to school. But for many children, school itself can be a source of trauma — whether they’re dealing with social anxiety, academic pressure, or the lingering effects of the pandemic. What’s even more complex is how our own past experiences might shape how we react to our children’s struggles. Understanding this connection can help us be more present and compassionate parents.
Trauma Comes in Many Forms
One of the most important things to recognize is that trauma doesn’t look the same for everyone. Maybe you had a big trauma, like your parents’ divorce, or something smaller, like moving away from a best friend in elementary school. What matters is that, in the moment, it felt like a big deal to you. (You’ll often hear this referred to as Big T Trauma vs. little t trauma.)
The same goes for our children. What might feel like a “small” event to us could be significant to them. For example, some kids might find reading aloud in class absolutely terrifying. If that was something you struggled with, it’s easy to assume your child will feel the same. But often, our kids face totally different challenges than we did. The key is to be aware of these differences and approach their experiences with fresh eyes — without transferring our past trauma onto them.
Be Curious, Not a Fixer
When your child expresses anxiety about school, whether it’s refusing to go, dreading reading aloud, or avoiding certain subjects, it’s important to dig in and understand what’s going on. Instead of jumping into “fix-it” mode or assuming you know what the problem is, try to be curious. Ask open-ended questions: “How are you feeling about school lately?” or “Is there anything happening that’s making you feel stressed?”
Sometimes, kids don’t share because they’re ashamed or don’t want to worry us. Help them know you’re open and curious, and, given time, most kids will eventually come out and share what’s worrying them.
If you suspect something like bullying might be at play, it’s okay to bring in other trusted adults, like teachers or counselors, to help get to the bottom of things.
Trauma Isn’t Always Visible
Research shows that children who experience trauma can face neurological effects. But just like adults, kids can be great at hiding their emotions. They might put on a happy face while quietly struggling inside. This is why regular check-ins are so valuable. Even if your child says, “Mom, I’ve already told you I’m fine!” — keep checking in gently over time. It shows them that you’re there whenever they’re ready to talk.
In the meantime, let them feel their feelings. Be empathetic with whatever responses they give you, and don’t respond in anger when you see their behavior as challenging. As Dr. Becky Kennedy puts it, “When your child’s actions and words seem totally out of control, it means they *feel* out of control. In these moments, kids need our help differentiating between their behavior and their feelings: They’re a good kid having a hard time, not a bad kid doing bad things.”
Children who have experienced trauma — whether from the pandemic or other events — benefit from feeling safe and seen. Be that constant source of calm in their lives. Encourage them to express their emotions, even if they don’t have the words for it yet. Your presence and patience (and co-regulation!) go a long way in helping them navigate tough feelings.
Take Care of You, Too
Supporting a child through trauma is no small task, and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed as a parent. That’s why it’s crucial to take care of yourself, too. Consider seeking therapy or building a self-care routine that allows you to recharge. When you take care of yourself, you’re in a much better place to be the steady, compassionate parent your child needs.
Remember, being trauma-informed means staying open, curious, and present. By doing so, you’re helping your child build resilience and a sense of security, even in the face of challenges.