In the first post of this series, we explored the importance of accepting influence in relationships. Now let’s look at how this principle can completely shift the way we experience conflict with our partner.
When couples seek out couples counseling, it’s often because the same fight keeps happening over and over. What if I told you that the goal isn’t to win the argument but to stay connected during it?
Conflict isn’t the problem — disconnection is. And the way we respond in those heated moments can either build a bridge or widen the gap.
Here’s where accepting influence becomes so powerful. Let’s say you and your partner disagree. You feel your body tense. You start preparing your rebuttal. But instead of going into defense mode, you try something different. You take a breath and say, “Okay, I can see why you might feel that way.”
That one phrase opens the door to repair. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up your perspective. It just means you’re acknowledging that theirs has value, too. As Dr. Becky Kennedy likes to say, two things can be true. That mindset shift — from right vs. wrong to “we both matter” — is one of the most healing things you can offer in a relationship.
When we soften our stance, we invite our partner to do the same. Instead of throwing hardballs, we start tossing softballs. And when we catch theirs with care, we create a rhythm of mutual respect and emotional safety.
Repair isn’t always about solving the issue on the table. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “I hear you,” or “I didn’t realize this was such a big deal to you.”
In marriage therapy and couples therapy sessions, I often guide couples through a repair checklist drawn from the Gottman method. These are little phrases the “Masters of Relationship” used in the Love Lab to turn conflict into connection. Things like:
- “That’s beginning to make sense to me.”
- “Tell me more about how you’re feeling.”
- “Let’s take a break and come back to this.”
These small steps are powerful tools in building a safe haven relationship.
If you or your partner are also navigating depression or feeling stuck in reactive patterns, this is a great time to explore depression therapy or even try neurofeedback as part of your healing journey. You don’t have to do this alone.
We all want to feel known, valued, and safe in our closest relationships. Accepting influence and softening our stance during conflict can help us build the kind of connection that lasts. If you’re curious about learning these tools for your relationship, reach out. I’m here to help.
Photo by El Gran Árbol on Unsplash
