Recovering from an affair is one of the most challenging journeys a couple can face. Over the past few weeks, we’ve explored the key stages of affair recovery using The Gottman Institute’s Trust Revival Method: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. Each step is critical in rebuilding the foundation of trust, understanding, and connection.
Today, I’d like to offer up one final cap to this topic with a tool many of my clients have found invaluable to their healing process: the acronym “ATTUNE,” which I’ll discuss in more detail below.
Moving Toward Secure Attachment
After addressing past pain and improving emotional attunement, the Attachment phase is where couples begin to truly feel secure with one another again. The emotions of betrayal and uncertainty start to settle, and both partners can engage in the relationship with renewed commitment. This isn’t just about repairing damage — it’s about creating a relationship that’s even stronger than before.
For many couples, the Attachment phase is a lifelong one (the work is never really done, though it does get easier and more beautiful with time).
A vital tool in this stage is ATTUNE, an acronym that encapsulates the skills necessary for lasting, lifelong emotional intimacy:
- Awareness of your partner’s emotions
- Turning toward their emotions
- Tolerance of two different viewpoints
- Understanding your partner
- Non-defensive responses
- Empathetic responses
Let’s take a look at each in more detail.
Awareness of your partner’s emotions
Notice shifts in your partner’s mood, even if unspoken. Nonverbal cues like body language and tone of voice are often strong signals if you’re tuned into your partner.
Example: If your partner is less talkative than usual, you might say, “You seem a bit quieter than usual. Is everything alright?”
Turning toward their emotions
Acknowledge your partner’s feelings without judgment. Accept them. Instead of being dismissive or avoidant, be present and tuned in to your partner’s emotional world.
Example: If your partner seems anxious or upset about something, say “I can see you’re feeling uncomfortable. How can I help? Can we talk about what’s bothering you?”
Tolerance of different viewpoints
Recognize that while you and your partner may have differing perspectives, both have value and are valid. Strive for respect over rightness. When your points of view conflict, try to find common ground.
Example: During a discussion, assure your partner, “I hear where you’re coming from and appreciate your perspective. Can we find a compromise that works for both of us?”
Understanding your partner
Get curious. Try to discover what’s motivating their emotions and actions. There’s almost always another layer to the onion.
Example: When your partner is feeling worried, put yourself in their shoes and say, “I understand where you’re coming from, and it totally makes sense that you’re worried. What can I do to support you?”
Non-defensive responses
Especially during conflicts, do everything you can to stay calm and meet your partner with openness instead of defensiveness. Responding non-defensively means being able to have a conversation without attacking your partner or feeling attacked by them.
Example: If during a conflict, you feel criticized by your partner or feel yourself getting defensive, take a deep breath and say, “I want to hear you and understand your point of view. Please tell me more so we can work through this together.”
Empathetic responses
Having your partner show you empathy makes everything feel more manageable. Strive to connect with your partner’s emotions on a deeper level. Show them you both understand their feelings and want to help them carry the load.
Example: If your partner is worried, let them know, “I can see you’re feeling really anxious about this. I want you to know I’m here for you and want to help carry you through this. You’re not alone.”
When couples consistently practice ATTUNE, they foster a deep emotional bond that makes future conflicts easier to navigate and strengthens overall relationship security.
A Stronger Connection Beyond the Affair
Many couples find that, through this process, their relationship grows stronger than ever before. Conversations become more open, needs are expressed with clarity, and intimacy — both emotional and physical — deepens. The trust that has been painstakingly rebuilt fosters a newfound sense of safety, allowing both partners to feel truly seen and valued.
However, maintaining this connection requires ongoing effort (which is where ATTUNE comes in really handy). Regular check-ins, prioritizing quality time, and being mindful of each other’s emotional needs are essential to sustaining the progress made.
Hope for the Future
Healing from an affair is not a quick process, but it is possible. If you and your partner are struggling, know that there is hope. With guidance, patience, and trust, you can create a stronger, healthier relationship — one built on deep understanding, resilience, and renewed love.
For couples who want additional support in solidifying their relationship, couples therapy can be incredibly beneficial. Therapy offers a space to continue developing these skills, address lingering concerns, and ensure old patterns don’t resurface.
If you’re looking for couples counseling or marriage therapy in the Portland, Oregon area, we’re here to help. Whether you’re working through betrayal together, seeking depression therapy, or exploring neurofeedback to help you heal, you don’t have to navigate this alone. Reach out today — we’d love to support you on your journey.
Photo by Amanda Sixsmith on Unsplash
