In this guest post from Oregon Counselor Associate and Core Values Counseling team member, Josie Self, we explore the changes in your relationship that you can expect after becoming new parents.
In our last post, we talked about the “new parent timeline” that many couples can expect to experience as they transition to life as a family of three. The first year together can feel tumultuous, disorienting, and exciting all at once.
Once the dust settles and couples move out of the newborn fog, a new set of challenges and adventure start.
As you reach the 6-12 months postpartum mark, it’s time to focus on rebuilding your relationship — the romance, yes, but also the foundational connection and friendship you both share. Because as we’ve said, we know you and your partner didn’t set out to become parents just so you could end up roommates.
Here are some practical tips for starting on the work of rebuilding.
Approach hard questions with compassion and curiosity
As couples enter the rebuilding phase, they are hit with a new set of questions. These often have to do with new stressors that simply did not exist before the baby was born.
- How are we going to navigate grandparents?
- How are we going to navigate our careers and financial pressures now that our family dynamic has changed?
- How do we feel like ourselves when there’s not even time to meet our basic needs?
Couples who can ask these questions and face them head-on with curiosity and compassion will successfully rebuild their relationship and avoid the dreaded shift to roommate status.
Understand that friendship may feel different now
In thinking about friendship, couples are understanding their roles in a new way.
- Who am I not only as a partner but as a mother or father?
- How does my role as a friend shift with my shifting responsibilities?
- How does my role in my career shift now that my priorities are ordered differently?
- What expectations did I have about what mom or dad should be and is my partner meeting or failing those expectations?
There’s not a right or wrong answer to any of these questions, but couples need to be intentional in having these conversations to achieve greater understanding and collaboration.
Connection is essential — and so is autonomy
When we think about rebuilding a connection in the relationship, couples who are successful are aware of their and their partners’ needs for connection and autonomy. They are mindful of not only the quantity but also the quality of time that they have, both together and apart.
Couples who are successfully rebuilding have a vested interest in this balance. They spend quality time together to connect, and they also value each other’s needs for separation, autonomy, and time to pursue the passions and hobbies that make them feel fulfilled and like themselves again.
Here’s the important part: This goes further than allowing each other space to take a quick shower or watching the kids while they do the grocery shopping. Those are basic needs.
Successfully rebuilding couples go out of their way to create space for their partner to experience joy both together and apart. They are able to successfully do the dance of coordinating time for connection and autonomy.
Here are some helpful questions to ask one another:
- Does the partner who is working in the home feel like they are getting enough adult interaction?
- How are their friendships doing?
- When was the last time they were able to get out to do something just for fun?
- On the other hand, how is the partner working outside of the home dealing with the burdens that they are carrying?
- How is financial stress impacting them?
- How do they feel about the significant time spent away from their family unit?
Get to know your brakes and accelerators (and your partner’s)
In the process of rebuilding passion and romance, couples are navigating an entirely new sexual landscape in their relationship. This process is multidimensional.
Not only are partners managing their own complex emotions about their changing body, shifting hormones, and new sensitivities or insecurities, but they are also managing their partner’s expectations and changing desires.
Emily Nogoski, in her book Come As You Are, brilliantly discusses the variation in sexual desire, not only between individuals but across the span of the relationship. She talks about understanding our brakes versus accelerators.
Brakes are the factors that slow our sexual interest down. These are things like stress, feeling touched out, relationship distress, and feeling generally happy or uncomfortable in one’s body.
Accelerators are the things that push us more quickly towards sexual intimacy. These could be things like feeling emotionally connected to your partner or feeling confident in our desires.
Couples who are able to successfully rebuild sexual intimacy are able to adjust to the changing context of their relationship and more successfully and effectively provide context that press their partners accelerators rather than their brakes.
Remember to ask for help if you need it
Navigating life as new parents can be immensely challenging — and rewarding. If you’re eager to rebuild your friendship, connection, and intimacy but are running into some roadblocks, we’d love to help. Reach out today to get started.
