Over the last few weeks, I’ve shared some gentle parenting insights to help you and your kids have an easier start to the school year. We talked about attachment and transitions, rituals and emotions, and how to help your kids navigate anxiety. But let’s be real: no matter how many tools you have in your toolbox, kids are still going to have big emotions from time to time.
As parents, we all want to help our children manage their emotions in healthy ways. But it can be overwhelming when they are in the midst of a meltdown or acting out. How do we guide them without getting overwhelmed ourselves? That’s where co-regulation comes in.
Co-regulation is the process of helping your child manage their emotions by staying calm, present, and empathetic. It’s more than just telling them to stop crying or behave better — it’s about acknowledging their emotions, validating their experiences, and gently guiding them through those big feelings.
The Power of Co-Regulation
Instead of expecting children to control their emotions on their own, we need to normalize the importance of emotions. They are guideposts that help us navigate our lives. According to the Gottman Institute, emotions are nothing to be afraid of; they are valuable signals that help us understand ourselves and others, and when we manage them mindfully, they can be incredibly useful (and yes, this applies to our kids, too!).
Children, especially when they are feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or upset, need their parents to be their emotional anchors. When we remain calm and centered, we model how to navigate those intense feelings. We can stay in our “wise mind,” as therapists often call it, without getting looped into the emotional chaos our children may be experiencing. This gives us the space to empathize with what our child is feeling.
Empathy, Not Sympathy
Empathy is about meeting your child where they are emotionally. As Brené Brown teaches, empathy means connecting with the same feeling in ourselves that our child is expressing. It’s not about fixing or dismissing their emotions, but instead, offering validation and support. When a child knows their feelings are okay and they don’t need to be ashamed of them, it opens the door for deeper connection and healing.
Practical Tips for Co-Regulation
- Stay Calm: When your child is upset, pause and check in with yourself. Take a deep breath, step away if you need to, and ground yourself. It’s okay to take a moment before responding.
- Validate Their Emotions: Even if their reaction seems out of proportion, recognize that their feelings are real to them. You might say, “I can see you’re feeling really upset. It’s okay to feel sad or mad. I’m here for you.”
- Model Healthy Coping Strategies: Show your child how to manage big emotions by practicing healthy responses. Whether it’s taking a few deep breaths, drinking a glass of water, or wrapping up in a cozy blanket, modeling these behaviors helps your child learn to regulate their own emotions.
- Create Routines: Establish consistent routines, especially around bedtime. Children need to know what to expect, and routines can create a sense of security that helps them manage their emotions.
The Importance of Repair
Even with the best intentions, we all make mistakes. If you find yourself losing your temper or reacting out of frustration, remember that repair is crucial. Apologize to your child and explain, “I’m sorry I wasn’t as calm as I should have been. I want to do better, and I’m here for you.” This teaches them that it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as we acknowledge them and try to improve.
Co-regulation isn’t always easy, but it’s one of the most important tools we can use to support our children. By staying calm, validating their emotions, and modeling healthy coping skills, we help them learn to navigate their own feelings with confidence and resilience.
Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash
