In my work with couples, one theme that comes up again and again is the importance of accepting influence from one another. This idea, drawn from the Gottman Institute’s extensive research on what makes relationships thrive, is one of the strongest predictors of relationship health.
What does accepting influence look like in everyday life? It means being open to your partner’s opinions, even when you don’t fully agree. It’s that powerful moment when you say, “That’s beginning to make sense to me,” or “I hadn’t thought of it that way before.” These small, open-handed phrases are the heart of a strong and emotionally safe partnership.
This is especially important for men in heterosexual relationships. Historically, many women haven’t had equal power in relationships. Accepting influence helps shift that dynamic. It affirms, “Your opinion matters to me,” and fosters mutual respect and trust. But let me be clear: this isn’t just for one gender or orientation. No matter what your relationship looks like, the principle remains the same — we all need to feel heard and valued.
Accepting influence doesn’t mean giving up your opinion or caving in. It means leaning in and turning toward your partner, even during conflict. Think of it like Aikido, a martial art that uses the energy of your opponent to create harmony rather than opposition. You’re not meeting resistance with resistance; you’re moving with it, softening instead of digging in. That small shift can de-escalate a fight and turn it into an opportunity for connection.
The Gottmans talk about a 5:1 ratio — five positive interactions for every negative one, especially in the middle of a fight. That might sound impossible, but it starts with small gestures: a nod, a soft tone, a willingness to hear the other person out. And when those softball lobs are tossed your way, catch them gently. Let your partner know you’re listening.
Curious how well you and your partner really know each other? Take the “How Well Do You Know Your Partner?” quiz from the Gottman Institute. It’s a fun and insightful way to start talking more deeply about what matters to each of you. And it might even inspire new ways you can accept influence from your partner!
Whether you’re navigating daily stressors, seeking couples counseling or marriage therapy, or just want to feel more connected, learning to accept influence can be transformative. It creates a sense of “we’re in this together” that strengthens your bond and deepens intimacy.
Stay tuned for part two of this series, where we’ll talk more about how this concept plays out during conflict—and how softening your stance can be the key to stronger repairs.
Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash
