Over the last couple of weeks, we’ve been tackling a difficult subject: affair recovery. We learned how betrayal shakes the foundation of a relationship, but healing is possible. Last week, we explored what the Gottmans say is the essential starting point for recovery: atonement.
After moving through the painful process of atonement, couples can begin the second phase of affair recovery (and our topic for this week): Attunement. In this stage, the relationship shifts from focusing solely on the betrayal to exploring why it happened and how to rebuild emotional connection.
Many affairs stem from unmet emotional needs, unresolved childhood wounds, or life transitions that weaken a couple’s bond. The goal of attunement is to understand these deeper issues and create a relationship where both partners feel seen, valued, and secure.
One of the biggest challenges in attunement is dealing with triggers. Even when progress has been made, the hurt partner may suddenly feel waves of pain — maybe a song, a location, or even a certain look brings everything flooding back. It’s crucial for the involved partner to recognize these moments and respond with empathy. Instead of reacting with frustration (“I thought we were past this”), they should validate their partner’s feelings and reassure them of their commitment.
During attunement, couples also work on communication patterns. Infidelity often exacerbates existing communication breakdowns, with criticism, defensiveness, and avoidance taking over. By practicing non-defensive listening and sharing openly, couples can begin to rebuild intimacy and trust.
We realize that doing this alone, without outside help, can be next to impossible at this stage. We’re here for you.
At Core Values Counseling, we’re committed to helping couples navigate the aftermath of an affair through marriage therapy, couples counseling, individual therapy, neurofeedback, and more. We especially find the world-renowned Gottman Method described here to be incredibly powerful for healing and recovery. If you’re in the Portland, Oregon area and need help, we’d love to walk with you and your partner through this journey.
With patience, openness, and vulnerability, we can help you learn to attune to one another’s needs. We’ve seen it firsthand: This phase is all about rebuilding emotional safety so that both partners can truly open up. This is a turning point — where the hurt partner begins to believe in the possibility of a new, stronger relationship.
In our final post next week, we’ll explore Attachment, the last phase of healing where trust and intimacy are fully restored. Stay tuned for more.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
