Every couple has their own little quirks and inside jokes — the kind of shorthand that makes you both smile even in the middle of a busy day. But what if you took that idea even further and created your own secret language of love and connection?
I don’t mean a full-blown code that no one else can decipher (though if that sounds fun, go for it!). I’m talking about intentionally building a shared language — phrases, words, or signals — that help you and your partner stay connected, especially when things get tough.
The Power of Personal Phrases
In the Gottman world, we often talk about the Repair Checklist — a list of phrases used by “master couples” in the Love Lab that help slow down conflict and repair after disconnection. Things like, “Can we take a break?” or “That came out wrong — can I try again?” Those small statements carry big emotional weight. They signal that the relationship matters more than being right.
But not every phrase works for every couple. The key is to come up with the language that fits you. Maybe “I need a pause” doesn’t feel natural, but “time-out, babe” does. The goal is to build a vocabulary that helps you draw your partner closer, slow down when you’re upset, and find your way back to one another.
Build Your Own Love Language
I worked with a couple recently in my Portland-area practice who used an Opportunity Card (from the Gottman Card Decks) that said, “Build your own love language.” They came up with a few code words and phrases unique to their relationship — little verbal anchors that keep them steady when things get stormy. For example, one phrase meant, “I’m feeling flooded and need space,” while another meant, “I know I messed up and I’m trying to repair.”
Creating these together can be a fun, bonding experience. Try brainstorming five or six phrases you can each use in different emotional moments — when you’re angry, when you’re lonely, or when you need connection. Think of them as shortcuts back to understanding.
Tag-Teaming with Compassion
Another kind of secret language is the unspoken rhythm that couples develop as they move through daily life. I love watching couples who tag-team with kindness and grace — who can sense when their partner’s patience tank is running low and quietly step in to help.
Brené Brown and her husband have a beautiful example of this. At the end of a long day, they check in with each other by simply saying, “What’s your number?” It’s a quick way of communicating how much energy they each have left. If one of them says, “I’m at a 20,” and the other says, “I’m at a 70,” the partner with more in the tank takes on a little extra to help get through the evening. And if both are running on fumes? That’s what we’d call a “McNuggets night” — time to lower expectations, order takeout, and extend a little extra grace.
Connection That’s Yours Alone
When you and your partner create your own shared language — whether it’s a funny code word, a repair phrase, or a quick energy check-in — you’re building something that’s uniquely yours. It’s like an emotional shorthand that says, “I see you, I know you, and we’re in this together.”
Take some time this week to talk about it. What words or phrases could help you slow down, draw close, and navigate the ups and downs of your relationship in a way that feels true to both of you?
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
