In this guest post from Oregon Counselor Associate and Core Values Counseling team member, Josie Self, we explore the changes in your relationship that you can expect after becoming new parents.
Once the dust settles and couples move out of the newborn fog, a new set of challenges and adventure start.
The new parent timeline
Stephen Mitchell, PdD and Erin Mitchell, MACP suggest that most new parents will experience a timeline that looks something like this following their child’s birth:
The first week: love and shock
Time as a couple is harder to come by. You might be shocked at all the changes happening in your own body (or your partner’s). It feels like your whole world has changed (because much of it has).
3 to 6 weeks: overwhelmed, exhausted, and lonely
Friends have stopped checking in, and you haven’t thought about how you or your partner is doing, so loneliness sets in. Going back to work comes with a lot of feelings, often anxiety and/or sadness. You’re probably in survival mode.
6 weeks to 3 months: exhausted, resentful and/or making it
At three months, there is a big surge in postpartum hormones, and couples typically experience one of two realities: “I can’t go on like this, something must change,” or “we’re making it!”
This is where parents need the most help, both practical help — so many diapers and dishes, and the laundry never ends — and help to reflect on themselves. This is where a therapist can help a lot.
6 months: steady as a family but distant relationally
This is where couples learn to sustain their reconnection — or realize that they haven’t yet addressed their disconnectedness.
6-12 months: intentional rebuilding or shift to roommates
Couples at this point either turn toward each other and enjoy their regained bandwidth or further withdraw with an unspoken agreement to shift to roommate status.
What will your story be?
This new adventure has a lot less to do with survival mode and a lot more to do with figuring out how to sustain your new dynamic — and even thrive.
By around three months, couples start to realize that they are becoming resentful and they are going to be problems or that they are exhausted but making it. At around six months, the family unit has often stabilized which allows couples to refocus attention on the relationship, and couples face a critical decision at this point: they can either stay distant and make the shift to roommates, or they can intentionally rebuild their romance, connection, and friendship.
We know you and your partner didn’t set out to become parents just so you could end up roommates. So in our next post, we’ll walk you through this process of rebuilding your relationship from a variety of angles.
You deserve to pour into your relationship just as much as you’re pouring into your new baby. So if you’re in that first year — and maybe feeling a bit unmoored — stick with it, and stay tuned for Part 2.
