One of the shifts that can feel both surprising and necessary in adulthood is the way our relationships with our parents change. As young adults, it can feel natural to want to share everything — calling home every day or filling in your parents on every detail of your new adventures. Over time, though, you may notice that those constant check-ins feel less necessary. That doesn’t mean the relationship is weaker; often, it means it’s more secure. That security allows both parent and child to grow independently, while still knowing the connection is steady and reliable in the background.
I’ve noticed this in my own family. Sometimes a month will go by and I’ll think, “Oh, I should probably reach out.” And that’s not a reflection of something wrong — it just is what it is. My kids are building their own little families and living their own full lives, and that’s exactly how it should be.
When you’re secure in a relationship, you don’t have to talk all the time. That security gives both parent and child the freedom to grow. It’s part of “learning to stand on your own two feet.” As parents, it can be comforting to know we don’t need to hover or monitor. As adult children, it’s freeing to build independence while knowing the relationship is still strong and steady in the background.
Of course, not every parent-child relationship has this level of ease. For some, staying connected may feel complicated or even painful. In our recent Loving from a Distance series, I explored what it looks like when your parent can’t meet you emotionally, how to parent your own children while navigating that fracture, and the grief that can come with realizing you may never have the parent you longed for. Even when relationships are challenging, it’s possible to cultivate a sense of security and connection — sometimes by creating healthy distance, other times by practicing curiosity and compassion.
Embracing vulnerability and curiosity can be particularly powerful.
Dr. Brené Brown’s 2010 talk at TEDxHouston, The Power of Vulnerability, reminds us that leaning into uncertainty — rather than demanding constant certainty — creates space for real connection.
Similarly, Mónica Guzmán’s book, I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times, shows how curiosity about others’ perspectives can deepen relationships without requiring agreement.
That’s really what healthy adult parent-child relationships are about: not constant contact or perfect agreement, but trust, curiosity, and love that hold steady even in silence. For some families, that might look like daily texts. For others, it might be a call once a month. The frequency matters far less than the security underneath.
So if you find yourself feeling guilty about not calling every day — or worried that your child doesn’t call enough — pause and ask: Do we feel secure in this relationship? Do we trust each other’s love, even without constant proof? Often, the answer is yes. And that kind of steady security, combined with compassion and curiosity, is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other.
Photo by Hannah Voggenhuber on Unsplash
