There’s a quiet ache that can settle into long-term relationships: the feeling of coexisting rather than truly connecting. You’re raising kids, building careers, caring for aging parents — and somewhere in all that hustle, the person you once felt closest to starts to feel more like a roommate than a beloved. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And more importantly, you’re not stuck.
In couples therapy, I often find myself sitting with two people desperate to rekindle the emotional intimacy they once had. The good news? It’s absolutely possible. Intimacy isn’t the icing on the cake of a relationship; it’s more like the cake itself. This sacred space you share with your partner is what sets your bond apart from every other relationship in your life.
The first step is simple but courageous: open the conversation. The person bringing it up is often the one who’s been feeling the disconnection most acutely. Speak with love. Take ownership of how things got off track. Say, honestly and gently, “I miss you.” Resist blame or judgment, and instead ask: How can we find our way back to one another?
From there, make a plan together. Some of the happiest couples I know schedule their intimacy — and not just physical intimacy, but shared time and touch, like a daily cuddle, intentional hugs and kisses, or even five minutes of face-to-face conversation. Having a plan takes the pressure off and allows room for tenderness, spontaneity, and fun.
If one partner initiates intimacy and the other isn’t quite there emotionally or physically, create a ritual for refusal that includes a loving promise to reconnect within the next 24–48 hours. This not only honors each person’s capacity and desire but also builds trust and predictability — two vital ingredients for sustained connection.
And don’t underestimate the power of getting away together. Whether it’s a date night, an overnight trip, or a second honeymoon, time apart from the everyday chaos reminds you of why you chose each other in the first place. When Eric and I got away for five days during our parenting years, I’ll never forget how much fun we had — it truly rekindled something essential between us.
To breathe some new life into this area of your relationship, consider reading Come As You Are or the newer Come Together, both by Emily Nagoski. These books are gentle, insightful guides to emotional and physical intimacy.
If you’re navigating this stage in your own relationship, please know you’re not alone. Marriage therapy or couples counseling — whether in person here in the Portland area or online — can help you return to one another with softness and intention.
Because your partner isn’t just your co-parent, or your co-manager of life. This is your beloved. And it’s not too late to remember that.
Photo by Bro Takes Photos on Unsplash
