In our ongoing series on fatherhood, we’ve explored the importance of emotional connection and the profound impact fathers have on their children’s lives. Today, we delve into a crucial aspect of fatherhood: managing anger. Anger, if not controlled, can damage the spirit of a child and hinder the development of a loving and compassionate relationship. In this installment, I talk with Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield, PhD, about practical advice on how fathers can drop their anger and create a nurturing environment for their children.
Michelle: I often talk about the importance of dropping anger as part of turning your heart toward your children. About a year ago, I did an interview with Jim Ramos of Men in the Arena. He took a 47-second clip where I simply said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Dad, drop your anger. Your anger will destroy her spirit, make her give up, and stop trying. It will make her believe she’s unlovable and not worth loving.” That clip went viral with 3.4 million views. It made me curious, you know? What about this is so important that so many people would listen to and share this? I think it resonated deeply because anger is a universal problem.
In my clinical practice, I’ve had daughters say they’re used to their dad’s anger but can’t handle his disappointment. That one just does me in. Men don’t want to be known for their anger, but they often don’t know what to do instead.
Dads, Sabrina and I are women of action. We’re in the trenches with people. We don’t want to just listen for a living. We want to help move you toward change and help you be the dad you want to be — and the hero your daughter needs you to be. We stand with you in that.
So here’s a practical step.
When your daughter was three and needed a time-out, how many minutes was it? Three. If she was five, it was five minutes. If you’re 50, you need a 50-minute time-out. When you feel that anger rising (that’s your limbic system on fire) — because you’ve told them not to leave their shoes in the hallway for the millionth time, for instance, and you trip on them again — take a time-out yourself. This will help your midbrain calm down, allowing your prefrontal cortex to come back online.
Here’s why this is important. When you’re flooded with anger, you can’t think clearly, and in that fit of rage, your words can leave lasting wounds. Taking a time-out allows you to discipline effectively later. In the meantime, engage in bilateral movement (using both sides of your body together), like going for a run around the block — even in your work clothes. Or as you’re driving home, consider what you might do when you get home and the shoes are in the hall again. Prepare yourself. This will help calm you. Listen to music that you love, whether it’s the Beatles, worship music, or “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. Do whatever grounds you.
I promise you, you will see the climate of your home change. I counseled a 60-year-old dad last year who listened to that 47-second clip. And you know what he said? “It never clicked for me that I could drop my anger. I’ve been trying to control my anger, but I never got it before.” He realized for the first time that he could drop his anger, and it was a game-changer.
Yes, Dad, you can be like that dad. It’s never too late. You can make a decision to treasure the heart of your children. Dropping your anger is a choice of your will. By doing this, you will create a more loving and compassionate environment for your children.
Sabrina: That’s so powerful, Michelle. The bottom line, if there’s this one thing I want you to hear, dads, it’s that you matter. You matter a lot. You matter now, and you’ll matter 10 years from now. You’ll matter forever. And your actions really are important. So I think taking this to heart is critical.
I want to thank Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield, once more, for joining me for this important series on fathering. We hope you’ve found it meaningful and helpful in very practical ways.
We’re confident that by taking these steps, fathers can manage their anger and create a nurturing environment for their children. Remember, your actions have a profound impact on your child’s emotional well-being. You have the power to change that for the better!
If you’d like one-one-one help becoming the father you want to be, we’d love to walk alongside you in that. The Core Values Counseling team is here for you. Contact us today to get started. We’ve got you, Dad!
Photo by Mitchel Lensink on Unsplash
