A few weeks back, I introduced you to Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield, PhD, a friend and fellow therapist who’s an expert on the impact and importance of fathering. One of our recent conversations yielded a treasure trove of insights I wanted to share with my readers. In our ongoing series, we’re taking a close look at the relationships between dads and daughters, in particular. First, we talked about why fathers matter so much in shaping their children’s lives. Then we dug into the father’s role in emotional connection and bridge-building.
In this next piece of our conversation, Michelle and I explore the power of a father’s words and actions to create a lasting legacy of compassion and emotional connection with their children. This particular bit was quite personal for me, and I’m honored to share it with you today.
Sabrina: I have so many images in my mind of men who have done this kind of thoughtful, connected, intentional fathering so well. (See my son and his daughter in the photo above.)
I want to honor my brother John, who passed away four years ago in a car accident. His kids were 17 and 19 at the time. He was an amazing dad — he loved their hearts, pursued them, took them on dates, wrapped his arms around them. He was empathetic.
I was just talking to his daughter last night, and she said, “I’ve been reading through my notes from Dad. You know, he was so good at that. He gave me so many notes.”
I thought, Really?! I was in awe. But not surprised. Because that’s so like my brother.
Michelle: Oh my gosh. Way to go, John. Even in death, he’s still wrapping his kids with love and compassion. What a legacy — to love your kids so well that they know beyond the shadow of a doubt they are cherished, even in your absence — that’s amazing.
These small but meaningful little pieces of fathering are even more important after you’re gone. Daughters who have dads like that stand out. If you want a healthier, stronger, more confident daughter, Dad, kick it up a notch.
One practical way is to get sticky notes or a dry-erase marker and write on your daughter’s mirror — bathroom mirror, bedroom mirror, or car mirror.
I had a dad in The Abba Project whose daughter didn’t want anything to do with him. She was 19. So he wrote on the side mirror of her car. He came back the next month and reported to the group: “I know she read it because I looked again and she had erased it.” I thought he would be sad because all these other dads were celebrating, saying, “my daughter loved the note on her mirror; she hasn’t moved it!” But that one dad didn’t care. He was proud and happy. It was a very glass half-full moment.
So Dad, I’ll say it again: write a note in your handwriting on her mirror. More times than not, men look in the mirror and go, “Looking pretty good here.” But mirrors can be brutal for us as women. We see every flaw.
Imagine your words on that mirror saying, “You’re beautiful to me.” Yes, use the word “beautiful.” Sometimes dads reserve “beautiful” for their wife or partner rather than their daughter. But I’m telling you, as women, “beautiful” hits differently than “pretty.” Tell her you’re so thankful you’re her dad. Tell her you’re proud of her. It doesn’t have to be long.
I once worked with an eighth-grader, Maggie, who moved her dad’s note from the bathroom mirror to the wall by her bedroom door. Guess what all it said: “Have a good day.” Really!
Dad, just put your love in writing to say, “I see you. I’m filled with compassion. I’m running towards you. I’m in your world and wrapping my arms around you.” It makes all the difference.
Let me tell you another story. I had to get stitches in my finger recently. While I was at the doctor’s office, he asked what I do. I told him I’m a therapist with a heart for fathers of daughters. He said, “Guess what? I just got a text from my 15-year-old twins. They passed their driver’s written test.” I gave him a tip: “Write on their mirrors. Do you have sticky notes? Use them,” I said.
Yesterday, I went back in to see him, and he said, “How is your finger?” And I said, “How are your daughters?”
He grinned. “I did it,” he said, “And you’re right. They’ve kept the notes on the mirrors.”
Dad, there’s a practical way to put your love into action. Men often know they need to step in more, but they need practical ways. This is one practical way for dads to turn their hearts and put their love into action.
And the truth is, you never know when your last day on earth is. Put your love into writing. What do you want your children to recall?
It’s clear that the simplest acts of love and affirmation can leave a profound legacy on your kids. Sometimes, all it takes is a sticky note. A father’s words and actions are not only vital in the present but can echo throughout their children’s lives, providing comfort and confidence even in their absence. My own brother’s legacy of handwritten notes serves as a poignant reminder that love expressed in tangible ways can nurture and sustain a child’s spirit.
Fathers, by choosing to be intentional and compassionate in their interactions, can create lasting bonds that transcend time. So, take a moment today to write a note, share an encouraging word, and embrace the opportunity to leave a legacy of love and compassion for your children.
Photo by Debby Hudson on Unsplash
