In Part 1 of this series, we explored what it means to love a parent who may not be able to meet your emotional needs. And in Part 2, we learned how to parent your own children while navigating that same dynamic. Today, we turn to a part of this work that often goes overlooked: grieving the parent you wish you had.
If you’ve been navigating a painful or distant relationship with a parent, there may come a time when you realize: this may never be what I hoped it would be. That realization carries a deep, specific kind of grief—the loss of a relationship that never was.
This grief isn’t always visible or validated. You might find yourself minimizing it. “They’re still alive — I shouldn’t feel this way.” Or, “It wasn’t that bad. Other people have it worse.” But grief isn’t logical. It lives in the body. It rises up in moments of longing, disappointment, or even relief.
You may be grieving the parent who didn’t protect you, affirm you, apologize, or make space for your feelings. You might be mourning what your inner child never received, even as you continue trying to meet those needs for yourself.
Letting yourself name that loss is not about blame. It’s about integration. You can hold sadness and love at the same time. You can cherish the parts of your parent that were good while also honoring the parts of you that went unseen or unheard.
Grief work is not about giving up hope — but it is about letting go of fantasy. When we stop waiting for someone to become who we wish they were, we open ourselves to new forms of healing. Sometimes that means finding “parenting” energy in other relationships — with friends, mentors, therapists, or even through re-parenting ourselves.
This process looks different for everyone. It might include writing a letter you don’t send, setting a final boundary, or creating a ritual to mark the shift. It might mean therapy, community, or simply naming the truth aloud: I wish things had been different. I’m grieving what never was.
And then? You keep going. With gentleness. With clarity. With the support you need to stay grounded in the life you’re building now.
If you’re doing this work, we’re here for you. We offer grief counseling, family therapy, and individual therapy to help you navigate this work — and give you a safe place to process your story with caring, compassionate support.
Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash
