Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about dads and fatherhood — and the immensely important role fathers have in our families and our world.
Eric is a first-rate dad. And we have three amazing sons who are all now dads, too. I’m fortunate to bear witness to some beautiful examples of fathering in my own life, and I work with a lot of thoughtful, engaged dads in my own practice — dads who are showing up and putting in the hard work of getting to know and love their kids deeply, at all stages of life.
But I have one friend, in particular, who might be one of the most well-versed experts on fathering in the country, if not the world, and I would be remiss to talk on the subject of fathering without including her in the conversation.
Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some excerpts of a conversation I recently had with Dr. Michelle Watson Canfield, PhD. She’s a fellow therapist who has spent much of her career focusing on the relationships between dads and daughters. I deeply admire Michelle’s work, and I’ve been blessed to call a dear friend for many, many years (we’ve actually known each other since high school!). You can learn all about Michelle here on her website.
My recent chat with Michelle was timely (just before Father’s Day) and so, so rich — too much for one blog post! So today, I’m sharing the first part of our conversation — with more to follow in the coming weeks. Enjoy!
Sabrina: Michelle, I would love for you to tell me about the importance of a father’s heart in his children’s lives. I know you especially work with fathers and daughters, but let’s talk about this globally. How important is that relationship between a father and his children?
Michelle: Great question. I’ll go down a couple paths here. First, let me tell you what the research shows, because a lot of men say, “Just give me the bullet points, ma’am. Tell me how to fix it, and just give me the facts.”
So here they are, for those men listening that say, “I don’t get the message very often — that I’m all that important.” This is especially common in divorce, where too often, the dad is pretty much squeezed out [of the relationships with his kids]. And I think sometimes it’s easy to believe a lie, men, that you don’t matter, which couldn’t be further from the truth — or what the research shows.
There are some overriding themes in the research. Here’s what it shows: dads matter. A LOT. (This goes for all children, but I’ll focus on daughters because that dad-daughter relationship is really my lane).
When your daughter feels connected to you, she will get better grades in school. She’s more likely to finish high school and attend college. She’s more likely to hold secure and steady employment.
She will have greater self-esteem, less depression, less anxiety, less body dissatisfaction, and healthier weight. She will have more pro-social empathy. (Do we need that now more than ever?)
Another finding that may not seem like it’s that big of a deal for some listening is that about 80% of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes. So being present for your kids helps them stay on the straight and narrow.
Here’s a big one. [When she feels connected to you], your daughter will delay her sexual debut. (The research shows this connection results in a decrease in the incidence of teen pregnancy.) She will have healthier and sturdier and steadier relationships with men.
I could go on and on about why dads matter. But those are just a few of the things that I hope will touch the hearts of the men hearing this.
Now, one of the things I heard in your question, Sabrina, was the word heart. This idea of a dad turning his heart toward his daughter isn’t something I came up with. One time, a friend of mine said, “Michelle, you gotta cut this heart stuff out. Men don’t do hearts.”
But the reality is that we’re hard-wired for connection, and for daughters, especially, a father plays an essential role in developing healthy connections early on in life. When a father turns his heart toward his children, the children turn to their father.
Dad, it starts with you.
But you’re probably asking, what does it mean to turn your heart? Because it’s a unique language. (And I’ve had fun pondering this for the last 14 years since really digging into my work with fathers!)
Here’s what it means to me as a woman, the oldest of four daughters, with a background in mentoring and counseling women since I was 19. This heart-turning means that you soften your tone. You drop your anger. You’re more emotionally attuned. You activate your sensitivity. Your head, heart, mouth, and eyes all align in a way that helps your daughter feel grounded and connected.
And here’s a bonus: developing those skills of learning to dial into your daughter’s heart will translate to the woman you’re married to (or were married to) — who, by the way, is also a daughter. It translates to the women on your team at work, to your female relatives. I’ve seen these skills enhance men’s emotional capacity and help them develop an emotional intelligence that has benefited them in all walks of their life.
Sabrina: Absolutely. All of this makes me think about my sons who are now daddies. And they all have daughters. I see firsthand how important all of this is.
My conversation with Michelle underscores a universal truth: fathers matter profoundly in the lives of their children. Whether through academic support, emotional connection, or spiritual guidance, fathers shape their children’s identities and futures in ways both seen and unseen.
As we navigate the complexities of modern life, let us remember the timeless importance of fathers and their irreplaceable role in nurturing, guiding, and loving their children, especially their daughters.
To all fathers out there: your presence, your love, and your commitment make an immeasurable difference. You are seen, you are valued, and you are deeply important.
In a world that often overlooks or undervalues the role of fathers, may this serve as a reminder of their profound impact and the enduring power of a father’s heart. Thank you for all you do!
Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash
