Navigating the Emotional Gap with Curiosity and Compassion
It’s a situation I see often in couples counseling: one partner embarks on a journey of personal growth — through therapy, spiritual practice, a career shift, or a big life transition — and the other seems to stay in place. At first, the couple may feel closer than ever. But over time, a quiet tension can build, and that beautiful growth in one person starts to create space between them.
Sometimes couples return to therapy after a few years away, and I’ll hear something like, “I’ve changed so much, but they haven’t.” One partner may feel proud of the work they’ve done, while the other feels left behind — or worse, judged. When unspoken, this can lead to resentment, distance, and even contempt. And as I always say in marriage therapy: contempt, one of what the Gottmans call the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, is one of the biggest relationship killers.
If you’re in this place, here’s what I want you to know: you are not alone. And there’s a way forward.
Growth Doesn’t Have to Divide You
The truth is, we all grow at different rates. Every person is on their own unique trajectory, and that doesn’t mean one is better than the other. It just means you’re in different places — and that can be okay.
Where it becomes a problem is when comparison creeps in. If you’re the one who’s done a lot of inner work, it can be tempting to think, “Why aren’t they doing what I’ve done?” But growth isn’t an achievement to wave around. It’s a journey we get to walk, hopefully together.
Instead of criticizing or correcting your partner, try softening. Ask yourself: What do I need? What do I long for in our connection? And then share that openly — with gentleness and curiosity. Not from a place of “what’s wrong with you,” but from a place of “I miss you. I want us to feel close.”
Start with Curiosity
One of my favorite tools from the Gottmans’ Sound Relationship House is the idea of love maps — those little mental maps we hold of each other’s worlds. When there’s a gap between you, updating those maps can be incredibly healing.
Ask your partner:
- What’s been on your heart lately?
- How have your thoughts or beliefs shifted over the past year?
- What does growth look like to you?
You might be surprised at what comes up. When couples take the time to listen deeply, they often find the gap isn’t as wide as it first seemed.
Through couples therapy at Core Values Counseling, we often explore these dynamics together — creating space for both partners to feel seen, valued, and heard. If you’re in the Portland, Oregon area and think you’d like help holding that space, we’re here to help, whether through marriage counseling, neurofeedback, or even depression therapy.
In Part 2 of this mini-series, I’ll share three practical steps to realign and move forward with shared meaning, even when you’re growing at different speeds.
Photo by AXP Photography on Unsplash
