A guest post by Eric Walters
Couples build shared meaning by intentionally talking through their goals, roles, rituals, and symbols — the things that shape what a relationship is actually about. In my last post, I introduced shared meaning as the foundation that holds a relationship together. Here, I want to get practical: specific exercises you can use to start building it.
What is a good first exercise for building shared meaning?
One of the simplest places to start is journaling. Each person keeps a journal and writes, separately, about a few key questions — then comes back together to talk.
What has happened in your life that you’re most proud of? How have you coped during hard seasons? What have your high points taught you about who you are?
The goal isn’t a polished entry. It’s learning each other’s triumphs and struggles — the experiences that shaped who you each became.
What are the four areas of shared meaning?
The Gottmans describe shared meaning as being broken into four areas: goals, roles, symbols, and rituals. Each one opens its own conversation.
Roles — How do you understand your role as a partner? As a parent, a son or daughter, a friend, a worker? How did your own parents inhabit those roles, and how are you similar or different? We carry a lot of assumptions about roles, often without realizing it.
Goals — What is your mission in life? If you wrote your own obituary, what would you want it to say? What do you want to accomplish in the next five to ten years — for yourself, your spouse, your kids? What’s a dream you want to fulfill, and what legacy do you want to leave?
Rituals — How do you part in the morning? What does bedtime look like? Do you eat together regularly? Research consistently shows that families who share regular meals tend to fare better, both socially and academically. What do weekends and holidays mean to you? Sabrina and I have learned we need at least one rest weekend a month — no plans, just us.
Symbols — Who is your family in the world? What does your family name mean to you? What stories from your history are you proud of and want to pass on? What does home mean — not the address, but the feeling?
How do couples create a shared vision for their relationship?
One of the most effective exercises is writing a shared vision statement — about 35 words — that captures what you want your life together to be. What you’re building. What you value.
Some couples write it out and hang it where they’ll see it. When you know where you’re going together, you have something to orient by. You can ask of any decision: Does this align with our vision? A relationship without direction gets pushed around by life. A shared vision gives you something to steer toward.
These conversations don’t need to happen all at once. Starting them — and returning to them over time — is one of the most meaningful investments you can make in a relationship.
In our final post in this series, Sabrina brings it all together.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is shared meaning in a relationship?
Shared meaning refers to the values, goals, rituals, and vision for life that a couple builds together over time.
What are the four areas of shared meaning?
The four areas are goals, roles, symbols, and rituals — each representing a different aspect of how a couple builds a life together.
How do couples create a vision statement?
Couples write a brief statement, often around 35 words, describing what they want their shared life to look like and what they value most.
Why are family rituals important in relationships?
Rituals like shared meals, morning routines, and holiday traditions help couples and families stay connected and create a sense of stability.
Can journaling help couples connect?
Yes. Journaling separately about life experiences and then discussing them together helps couples understand each other’s history and emotional journey more deeply.
Eric Walters is a doctoral candidate in Transformational Leadership with an emphasis on relationships. and husband to Sabrina Walters, LMFT. He joins the Core Values Counseling blog as a guest contributor.
Photo by Tom The Photographer on Unsplash
