Every so often, I hand the pen to someone who knows this work — and our marriage — from the inside. My husband Eric has spent years studying what makes relationships thrive, and his doctoral research on shared meaning has genuinely shaped the way I think about couples therapy. I’m so glad to have him here. I think you’re going to love what he has to say. -Sabrina
Most of the time, when couples talk about their relationship, the conversation starts with what’s wrong. What needs to change. What keeps going sideways. There’s real value in that work — but I’ve been thinking lately about a different starting point.
What if we began with the question: What does a good relationship actually look like?
Not perfect. Not conflict-free. Just — genuinely good. The kind of relationship you actually want to be living inside.
It sounds simple, but most couples have never really talked about it.
It starts with trust and commitment
Drs. John and Julie Gottman’s research identifies trust and commitment as the pillars of a healthy relationship. Without them, everything else — communication, conflict resolution, intimacy — has a shaky foundation. And yet many couples have never explicitly talked about what trust and commitment mean to them. What they look like day to day. What threatens them. What rebuilds them.
And we often don’t know how to build what we’ve never seen clearly modeled.
Three questions underneath it all
Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, describes three questions that quietly shape how we attach to the people we love:
Are you there for me? Will you come when I call? Do I matter to you?
Most of us aren’t consciously asking these questions — but our nervous systems are. How well we attach and attune to each other comes down to whether those questions get answered with a consistent yes. When they do, something settles. When they don’t, we start to drift. Or get flooded in our minds.
Shared meaning: the part most couples skip
The Gottmans place something called shared meaning at the top of their relationship house. I’ve come to believe it might actually belong at the foundation.
Shared meaning is the web of values, beliefs, hopes, and rituals that a couple builds together — often without realizing they’re building it. It’s your understanding of what family means. What home means. What a good life looks like. Much of this lives in the background, shaped by what was modeled for you growing up and by what you’ve quietly assumed your partner already shares. But your partner has their own version of all of that. And if you’ve never made the implicit explicit, you may be heading in different directions without knowing it.
Sabrina and I understand this firsthand. Years ago, we faced something that would have ended many relationships — a serious health crisis that forced us to talk honestly, and at depth, about what we wanted our lives to look like. Those conversations built something in us. A foundation of shared values, articulated goals, and a common vision for our future together. When we later went through one of the most painful seasons of our marriage, that foundation is what we had to come back to. It didn’t make things easy. But it gave us something to hold onto — a compass when the path wasn’t clear.
We’re more convinced than ever that shared meaning isn’t just a nice idea. It’s what holds a relationship together when things get hard.
Why it matters more than we think
There’s a common assumption that 50% of marriages end in divorce. The research tells a more encouraging story — some studies suggest the actual rate may be closer to 25%, with couples who share active spiritual beliefs and practices experiencing significantly higher satisfaction and stability.
What that tells me is that shared meaning has real protective power. When two people know what they’re building together and why, the relationship has something to anchor to.
Starting the conversation
If you’ve never intentionally talked about your shared meaning as a couple, you’re not behind — you’re just getting started.
In my next post, I’ll get into the specific areas couples need to explore, and some practical ways to begin. Not a script to follow — just a map for getting curious about each other, and building something together that actually holds.
Eric Walters is a doctoral candidate in Transformational Leadership with an emphasis on relationships. and husband to Sabrina Walters, M.A., LMFT, LPC. He joins the Core Values Counseling blog as a guest contributor.
Photo by Anastasia Sklyar on Unsplash
