It’s a painful truth for many of us: the realization that a parent we love deeply may not be emotionally available in the way we need. We want to feel seen, supported, and understood — but instead, we often walk away from interactions feeling dismissed, misunderstood, or even blamed.
It’s common for adult children to carry guilt or self-doubt here. We ask ourselves: Am I asking too much? Should I be more patient? Am I being ungrateful? But the truth is, emotional connection is a basic human need. Wanting warmth, validation, or attunement from a parent isn’t wrong — it’s deeply wired into our nervous system. And when that need is consistently unmet, it hurts.
Some parents may show signs of emotional immaturity or rigidity. They may be anxious or avoidant, dismissive or overly involved. They may shut down when things get hard or, conversely, rush in to fix everything without really listening. Some may carry traits of narcissism or seem tethered to outdated parenting scripts that prize control over connection. Others may struggle with undiagnosed neurodivergence that makes communication difficult. And while we can grow in compassion for the why, it doesn’t erase the impact.
As a therapist, I often encourage clients to get curious — not about how to change their parent, but about what they need to define for themselves. What kind of relationship is possible here? What boundaries help me feel safe? What support do I need elsewhere? You’re allowed to hold clarity about what you’ve experienced without assigning blame. You can lead with love and protect your peace.
That may mean redefining the relationship. It might mean shorter visits, fewer phone calls, or not sharing certain parts of your life. It might look like inviting your parent into new conversations — or recognizing when those conversations only lead to pain. The more tenuous the relationship, the more direct and loving you may need to be: “I know you don’t agree, but I need us all on the same page so my kids feel safe and secure.”
This work is hard. But you’re not alone. In the next post, we’ll talk more about parenting in the context of a strained relationship with your own parent — and how to protect your children from mixed messages and generational confusion.
If you’re navigating grief, boundaries, or healing from childhood wounds, we’re here to help. Whether you’re seeking couples therapy or depression therapy — or even exploring neurofeedback, there’s support for your journey here in the Portland, Oregon area. We’d love to connect with you.
Photo by Jessica Yap on Unsplash
