Shared meaning is one of those phrases that sounds big and abstract — but in reality, it shows up in the small, everyday moments that make a relationship thrive. The Gottmans describe shared meaning as the culture of your relationship: the rituals, roles, goals, and symbols that bring depth to your connection.
If you’ve been following along on our blog, you’ve already seen this theme woven through many conversations. In posts like From Coexisting to Connecting and the Power of the Pause series, we explored how couples can move beyond just “getting by” together. Shared meaning is the difference between living parallel lives under the same roof and truly building a life together.
So what does this look like in practice?
- Rituals of connection. These are the daily or weekly habits that reinforce, “we matter to each other.” In The Power of the Pause, we talked about slowing down enough to be intentional with your words and presence. That simple pause can become a ritual of respect and love. Or consider your romantic rituals: just one meaningful kiss to start the day can do wonders for your partnership — and even serve as a boon to help get you through stressful times.
- Roles. Our sense of identity within a relationship shifts over time. In When One Partner Grows and the Other Doesn’t, we looked at how evolving roles can create tension. Shared meaning comes from staying curious about those shifts and continuing to honor each other’s place in the relationship.
- Shared goals. Dreams don’t have to be huge to be meaningful. In Plan a Summer of Connection, we highlighted the importance of intentionally creating experiences together. Even something as simple as planning how you’ll spend a season can strengthen your sense of partnership.
- Values and symbols. These are the touchstones that remind you of your “why.” Gratitude practices, family stories, or even shared jokes and traditions all build meaning into your relationship culture.
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman reminds us that strong relationships often carry a spiritual dimension — not necessarily religious, but a sense that your life together has purpose beyond logistics and daily tasks. That inner life is cultivated when you take the time to nurture shared rituals, honor shifting roles, celebrate goals, and return again and again to your core values.
Shared meaning doesn’t happen by accident. It grows out of the choices you make together — choosing connection, choosing curiosity, choosing love. When you do, you’re not just surviving the ups and downs of life; you’re co-creating something rich, purposeful, and beautiful.
Photo by Alberto Casetta on Unsplash
