Research suggests that practicing gratitude is associated with better mood, better sleep, and stronger relationships. Brain-imaging work links feeling grateful to activity in regions tied to moral reasoning and positive emotion, and a trial with people in counseling found that adding gratitude letters was linked to better mental health afterward. Gratitude isn’t a cure-all, and it never replaces real support when life is hard. But as a small, consistent practice, it’s one of the simplest things couples and families can do, especially heading into the holidays.
What happens in the brain when we feel grateful?
Researchers at the University of Southern California used brain imaging to find out. Participants responded to scenarios drawn from Holocaust survivors’ stories of receiving help from others and rated how grateful they felt. The more gratitude they reported, the more activity showed up in the anterior cingulate cortex and medial prefrontal cortex.
That’s one early study, and it shows an association, not a cause. Still, I find it moving that something many faith traditions have encouraged for centuries is now something scientists can begin to see.
Does practicing gratitude actually improve well-being?
In a well-known set of experiments, people who regularly listed things they were grateful for showed higher well-being than comparison groups on several measures, though not all. The clearest effect was on positive mood.
Sleep may be part of the picture, too. A survey of about 400 adults found that people higher in gratitude tended to report better sleep quality, longer sleep, and less time lying awake. Researchers explained that grateful people tended to have more positive thoughts and fewer worries at bedtime. A survey can’t prove gratitude causes better sleep, but it’s a hopeful clue.
And for people already in therapy, a randomized trial of 293 adults found that those who wrote gratitude letters alongside counseling reported better mental health about four and twelve weeks later than those who did expressive writing or counseling alone.
I like to think of gratitude as going to the gym for your mind, heart, and soul. One workout doesn’t change much. The benefit comes from repetition.
What does gratitude have to do with contempt and conflict?
In the Gottman research, contempt is the most corrosive of the Four Horsemen, and the antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect.
I often say that fondness and admiration is an inside job. When things are going well, it grows naturally between two people. But when things have gone sideways, and we’re having contemptuous, frustrated thoughts about our partner, the only way to turn that around is a conscious choice: small, intentional acts of kindness. Random acts of kindness. Even senseless acts of beauty.
How can you start a gratitude practice before Thanksgiving?
Pick one and keep it small:
- Three a day. Each evening, write down three specific things you’re grateful for.
- Ten things. When my best friend is struggling, she’ll text me, “It’s time for another 10 things we’re grateful for,” and we trade lists.
- One daily text. Between now and Thanksgiving, send a short message of thanks each day to someone in your life. If you’re part of a couple, make one of them your partner. Our post on staying connected has more on the habit of two daily appreciations.
If you try it, I’d love to hear how it goes. You can share a gratitude story with us here: Share Your Gratitude Story. With your permission, we may feature some of them in the new year.
Gratitude can build goodwill, but it can’t resolve deeper patterns on its own. If you and your partner feel stuck, couples counseling can help, including through the Gottman Method.
In my next post, we’ll look at how gratitude can ease the family gatherings ahead.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the benefits of gratitude?
Research suggests gratitude is associated with better mood, better sleep, and stronger relationships. Most findings show associations or modest effects, not guaranteed outcomes.
What happens in the brain when you feel grateful?
In one imaging study, people’s gratitude ratings correlated with activity in the anterior cingulate cortex and medial prefrontal cortex. It’s an early finding, not the final word.
Does keeping a gratitude journal work?
In randomized experiments, people who listed things they were grateful for showed higher well-being on several measures, with the clearest effect on positive mood. Results vary from person to person.
How do you start a gratitude practice?
Start small: three specific things a day, one thank-you text, or one appreciation shared with your partner.
Can gratitude help a struggling relationship?
It can help build goodwill and soften the tone between partners, but it isn’t a substitute for working through deeper patterns. Couples counseling can help with those.
Sources:
- Emmons & McCullough (2003), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: PubMed
- Fox, Kaplan, Damasio & Damasio (2015), Frontiers in Psychology: PubMed
- Wood, Joseph, Lloyd & Atkins (2009), Journal of Psychosomatic Research: PubMed
- Wong et al. (2018), Psychotherapy Research: PubMed
*Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash
