When a relationship has been shaped by addiction, it’s easy to focus on what went wrong.
Because during addiction, there are often so many negative events — things that went sideways, conversations that escalated, moments that left lasting hurt.
The fights.
The broken trust.
The painful memories.
But in recovery, something equally important needs to happen: you have to learn how to recognize — and celebrate — what’s going right.
Flipping the script
In traditional relationship work, we often process “regrettable incidents.”
But inspired by the work of Dr. Robert Navarra, I sometimes invite couples to do the opposite: slow down and deeply explore a moment that went well.
Why this matters
Because for many couples in recovery:
- There have been a lot of painful moments
- Positive experiences can feel unfamiliar — even fragile
So when something goes right, it’s not just nice.
It’s meaningful.
What this looks like in practice
Let’s say a couple experiences their first peaceful holiday together — no substance use, no conflict, no chaos.
Instead of just moving on, we slow it down — intentionally.
We ask:
- What felt different this time?
- What did you each do that helped this go well?
- What did you appreciate about your partner?
- What are you proud of in yourself?
And then — my favorite part: we take responsibility for the good.
- “I chose not to bring alcohol into the house.”
- “I chose to handle stress differently.”
- “I chose to show up in a new way.”
I sometimes encourage couples to even “brag on themselves” a little here — not from ego, but from awareness.
“I did something different — and it mattered.”
Turning success into a plan
We’re not just appreciating the moment — we’re studying it. So we can understand what made it work… and repeat it.
In conflict work, we ask: How do we prevent this from happening again?
Here, we ask: How do we make this happen again?
We turn a positive moment into a blueprint.
Rewriting family experiences
This can be especially powerful for families.
Holidays can carry a lot of weight for all of us. But for many families, they’ve been some of the hardest moments — filled with tension, disappointment, or shame.
So when a holiday goes well in recovery — no alcohol, no fighting, no tears — that’s not a small thing. That’s a profound shift.
Even ordinary evenings can become a “do-over” experience.
A new memory.
A new pattern.
A new story.
Don’t skip this step
Vigilance matters in recovery.
But if that’s all there is — watching, monitoring, bracing — the relationship can start to feel heavy and joyless.
Celebrating what’s going right brings life back into the relationship.
And it helps make recovery sustainable.
A gentle invitation
If something has gone well recently — even something small —
Take a moment.
Slow it down.
Talk about it.
Let it matter.
*Photo by Chermiti Mohamed on Unsplash
