For a long time, the “gold standard” in addiction recovery was this: the person struggling with substance use needed to focus only on themselves for at least a year.
No couples therapy.
No family work.
No real attention to the relationship.
Just recovery — alone.
And while that approach was well-intentioned, we now know something important: It often left relationships behind.
In many cases, it didn’t just leave relationships behind — it hurt them further.
I’ve heard partners describe it this way: “First, the addiction took them away from me… and then recovery did, too.”
The focus shifted from the substance to recovery — but the relationship was still left without care.
In the old model, it could almost feel like the addiction was replaced with something else — first an “affair” with the substance… then an “affair” with recovery itself.
And in both cases, the partner and family were left on the outside, trying to make sense of what was happening.
A different way forward
Through the work of Dr. Robert Navarra and colleagues connected with Mental Research Institute in Palo Alto, California, we’ve learned that couples actually recover better when they heal together — not apart. (He’s written a lot on the subject for the Gottman Institute, too!)
That doesn’t mean skipping individual recovery work. Programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon remain incredibly important.
But alongside that individual work, something else is essential: the relationship itself must heal, too.
Externalize the problem
One of the most powerful shifts I help couples make is this: You are not the problem. Your partner is not the problem. The substance is the problem.
Addiction has often acted like a third party in the relationship — pulling attention, creating secrecy, eroding trust.
When couples begin to externalize the substance, something softens. They can begin to stand on the same side again.
Three pillars of recovery
In the work I do, we think about recovery in three parts:
- Individual recovery (each person’s personal work)
- Partner recovery (healing from the impact)
- Relationship recovery (rebuilding together)
All three matter.
Because addiction doesn’t just affect one person — it reshapes the entire system.
And if there are children in the family, they are part of this system, too.
They’ve experienced the ripple effects of addiction — and they need care and repair as well.
Rebuilding what was lost
In many ways, addiction impacts a relationship similarly to an affair:
- Trust is broken
- There’s been secrecy or hiding
- Emotional connection fades
- Partners stop turning toward each other
This often looks like one partner turning toward the substance, the other turning toward trying to fix or change their partner. And somewhere in that dynamic, the emotional connection gets lost.
So we rebuild — intentionally.
We stop trying to fix each other and start learning to understand each other instead.
We focus on:
-
- Turning toward instead of away
- New rituals of connection (often replacing ones that centered around substance use)
- Learning to self-soothe without alcohol or drugs
- Trust through transparency (no more secrecy)
That last one is especially important.
In many relationships impacted by addiction, there has also been confusion — sometimes even gaslighting.
Partners may find themselves thinking, “I know something isn’t right… but I’m being told everything is fine.”
Over time, that can make someone feel like they’re losing trust not just in their partner, but in themselves.
That’s why transparency isn’t optional in recovery. It’s essential.
Practicing transparency also means if there is a relapse, it needs to be talked about right away.
Not as failure — but as information.
It simply means: we need a different strategy, a different layer of support, a different level of accountability.
And there’s something else that I need to name gently but honestly: The partner who wasn’t using often had to adapt in ways that made sense at the time — trying to help, trying to manage, trying to prevent things from getting worse.
That can look like:
- Becoming the “fixer”
- Feeling like a “nag”
- Or unintentionally enabling the behavior
That partner has healing work to do, too — not because they caused the addiction, but because they were shaped by it.
The path back: Atone, Attune, Attach
Addiction can wreak havoc in a relationship that, in many ways, mirrors the fallout of an affair. Because of these similarities, in recovery, I often guide couples through three key phases common to affair recovery:
Atone — acknowledging harm, taking responsibility, making amends
Attune — learning each other’s inner worlds again
Attach — rebuilding safety, closeness, and connection
You can’t skip steps here.
Attachment grows out of real accountability and deep understanding.
A hopeful truth
I’ve walked alongside many couples in this process — some who began therapy while still in active addiction.
And I’ve seen something beautiful: Recovery doesn’t just restore a relationship — it can transform it.
But only if both people are willing to do the work.
Together.
*Photo by Amanda Sixsmith on Unsplash
