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Creating A Safe Haven In Your Relationship

Sue Johnson lists three famous questions that, as she explains, every person needs to to be able to answer ‘Yes” to in order to feel secure in their relationship — and to be free with their love.

The three questions are as follows:

  1. Are you there for me?  

  2. Do I matter?

  3. Will you come when I call?

Think about these questions in the context of your partner: Are you there for me? In other words, do you acknowledge the emotional needs of your partner? Or have things slipped into a very ‘comfortable’ pattern of both of you living your lives separately? How do you meet each other emotionally? How are you THERE for your beloved? Do you listen, do you serve, do you show support?

Do I matter? Does your partner’s needs matter to you? Do their opinions matter? How do you show them that they are the most important person in your life? How do you show your partner that you really care about what they have to say? Do you dismiss them and their ideas, or their needs? Or do you demonstrate that their needs are of the highest priority to you?

Will you come when I call? This is a physical presence. If your partner needs you, will you literally move heaven and earth to get to your them? Even if they are just unraveling at the end of the day, and maybe aren’t even very nice about asking? Will you believe that there is a need that isn’t spoken — to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are ALWAYS there for them, even when they’re cranky, or desperate, or insecure — and not looking so friendly? This means inconveniences on your part to show them that the relationship matters to you. It’s giving them the gift of your undivided attention.

If you can answer ‘yes’ to these questions, and your partner can do the same, then you’re cultivating a true safe haven in your relationship. This is a safe haven that will allow you and your partner to prosper together, to grow together, to become healthier every day together. It’s essential to any kind of growth or stability in your relationship, so if you haven’t asked these questions yet — it’s time to get started.