In my last blog post, we dove into a tough subject: affair recovery. We learned how betrayal shakes the foundation of a relationship, but healing is possible. Today, we’re taking a closer look at what the Gottmans say is the essential starting point for recovery: atonement.
The first step in healing from an affair is Atonement, and it’s one of the hardest. At this stage, the hurt partner’s world has been shattered — they don’t know what’s real anymore. Trust is gone, and every aspect of the relationship feels uncertain. Meanwhile, the involved partner may feel guilt, shame, and defensiveness. For healing to begin, both partners must navigate these emotions with honesty and compassion.
Atonement requires the involved partner to take full responsibility for their actions — without blaming the hurt partner or justifying their choices. This means answering difficult questions with complete honesty. The hurt partner has the right to ask what they need to understand, and the involved partner’s job is to respond with openness and patience.
A common pitfall in this phase is defensiveness. If the involved partner minimizes or dismisses the pain they’ve caused, healing stalls. Instead, they must acknowledge the betrayal’s impact fully. A helpful practice in this stage is what one of our Core Values Counseling therapists coined the “flashlight walk” — a time set aside each day for the hurt partner to share any triggers or emotions that arise, allowing the involved partner to listen and provide reassurance.
Here’s how it works: at the end of the day, the involved partner asks the hurt partner, “Do you need a flashlight walk? Tell me about your day. Did you have any triggers? Show me. Help me understand so I can do better.”
This is a gentle, compassionate way for the involved partner to be the hero to their hurt partner. It signals to the hurt partner that, “Yes, I know I stabbed you in the back and left you for dead. But I’m here now, pulling out the knife and fully willing to triage the damage I’ve done. I’m here to help heal whenever you need more healing to take place.”
Rebuilding trust also means complete transparency. All digital and financial access should be open, demonstrating a commitment to honesty moving forward. The involved partner must become a consistent source of safety — following through on promises, being emotionally available, and proving through actions (not just words) that they are committed to rebuilding the relationship.
Though this phase is painful, it’s the necessary foundation for moving forward. If you and your partner have experienced a breach of trust, we would love to help you navigate this difficult time. Our Portland, Oregon-area therapists offer couples counseling, marriage therapy, individual therapy, neurofeedback, and more to help you on the road to repair and recovery.
In my next post, we’ll explore Attunement, where couples begin to reconnect emotionally and address deeper issues in their relationship.
Photo by Alexander Possingham on Unsplash
