What Women Want…What Men Want
This is the age-old question. So many couples struggle to share openly and vulnerably about their needs for intimacy. Often the result of this struggle is isolation, frustration and sometimes even relational disaster. At Core Values Couples (a seminar my husband and I put on for couples) our hope and dream is for you to experience rich and satisfying connection through understanding each other at the deepest level possible.In order to reach that goal, at our recent couples conference we asked the men and women in separate groups, what they wish their partner knew about their needs for intimacy. We chatted candidly about our needs and what we wish the other sex knew. Below are the newsletters each sex wrote the other. Thank you to the couples who shared these thoughts!Men’s Sex Newsletter to Women
- Sex is a necessary ingredient of intimacy. Not a reward.
- We need sex to feel close and intimate.
- Sex helps us feel reconnected.
- We are more emotional than you think we are.
- Spontaneity is Great!
- We would like you to initiate more.
- We want to be Sexually Pursued.
- We’re like dogs. We’ll protect you, work our tails off, we just need to be pet and told we’re doing a good job.
- We want some bread crumbs to sex. Make your sexual signals Blatant.
- We need positive reinforcements sexually.
- We hear often when bad times for sex are, so tell us some times that ARE good for sex.
- We do want to communicate and even “over-communicate”.
- We want to know your sexual desires. Be selfish and tell us what you want. It’s our fantasy to fulfill your fantasies.
- Think twice before you turn us down. Rejection several times in a row is REALLY hard to get over.
- We’re willing to set aside time to chat through issues that are getting in the way of you being in the mood ahead of time. Just give us a chance to talk through them.
- Open and honest communication is critical.
- Tell me when I’m wanted and desired with words. Hearing that speaks deeply to me.
- We want you to touch us more, not just with sex. We crave your touch.
- We are more vulnerable than you think.
Women’s Sex Newsletter to Men
- Sex begins by how helpful you are in the kitchen, so help with those dishes.
- Get the kids out of the house more often, it helps.
- Don’t make it seem like we have to be in a hurry.
- Setting the mood, lighting and such, makes a big difference.
- I wish he knew the desire is there but that an action doesn’t always have to follow.
- Sexual intimacy doesn’t have to be sex.
- My emotions and emotional state greatly impact my ability/desire to be sexual.
- Just because we don’t have sex doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
- Talk with her more, ask about her day. What’s important to her? Really get to know her again and again. We are ever changing.
- Connect from a genuine place, from a soul and heart level.
- Ask her about triumphs and bumps in the road.
- I want to be sexual when it’s right for me. Not always when it’s on his time.
- My time is important too.
- Make time for each of us to be alone. Not at night when I’m tired from having the kids all day.
- Don’t play mind games and go on hints… then be disappointed when intimacy doesn’t happen.
- I enjoy more spontaneous moments when things just progress into physical touching and things happen naturally.
- Getting out and doing something fun and new is exciting to me.
- Because of a loss of attraction and desire for other things due to past disappointments in our marriage it is difficult for me to get to that place. It is low on my priority list and easily dismissed by me. Understanding this and acknowledging that picking the appropriate time, where we have privacy and I am able to put aside other tasks that need to be done (or I have had help finishing these) I can then engage without distraction and come closer to reaching a level of greater intimacy.
- When you want sex and I don’t but offer a quickie, believe that it’s truly what I want as well. I don’t want you to feel guilty about not meeting my needs. However I appreciate it when you do and I’m in the right mood; the moon is in position, the stars are aligned, then I’m happy to accept. Other times please just accept let me give you a quickie. It meets a need in me to satisfy you like this sometimes.
- We want to kiss more without sex.
- I also need to trust I can say no and it won’t be self-destructive for you.
We hope you take time to print this off and discuss it with your sweetheart. Let it start some good dialogue between you.
Other resources on Intimacy are:
A Celebration of Sex,
The Way to Love Your Wife
If this is and especially painful or touchy issue for you, you may want to speak to a counselor. Sabrina is able to talk about these kinds of issues in counseling. Book an appointment today to move toward a truly fulfilling, intimate relationship.
May your love and intimacy grow and grow! If you are interested in attending or want to recommend our seminar to others please forward this to others!