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We’ve all heard someone say it — we might have said it ourselves at some point: “We’re perfect together. We never fight!”

But when someone says that to me, it’s a big red flag. You never fight? Really? First of all, unless you’ve been dating for less than a week, I’m not sure I believe you. But if it is true, this is not a sign of a healthy relationship. It’s a sign of a shallow one.

In order to be a healthy couple, you have to be a couple who argues. I know, I know, it sounds counterintuitive — but studies have shown that couples who don’t have arguments will soon be arguing over divorce papers.

I personally hate conflict, but the reality is all relationships need it. The trick is knowing how to manage your conflict so that it’s healthy! The Gottmans have been researching this for decades, so their conflict resolutions methods are very effective. It is all about being able to walk in the other person’s shoes, take influence from the other, and know when you need a break.

I must admit, that last part is hard for me…taking a break. I want to resolve the issues right there and then because I find it difficult to sit with the unresolved problem. However, I have found lately that when I give Eric time to get his thoughts together and for me to cool off, we can really work things out. The piles are not as deep as when they’re swept under the carpet.

What’s the hardest part of healthy conflict for you? Are you avoiding it, or do you face issues with your partner in a loving way?